Article written by Aimee Kandrac
As we head into the holiday season, it's important to remember that when people are going through a major life event, the holidays might not look or feel like they have in previous years.
I know a year ago, the holidays for me were at a point in my life where I was absolutely shattered and not functioning in ways that I had in previous times. Over the course of about six weeks, I became an empty nester, had a tumor removed that luckily wasn't cancerous, My husband of 23 years filed for divorce and moved out. And then I ended up having to sell my dream house and move. So needless to say, the holidays were not like any other holiday I had experienced in the past.
So using that information and the information that I have gathered by helping tens of thousands of people over the years with what friends do, I'm bringing to you my top five do's and don'ts to help a friend this holiday season.
- Meet them where they are.
Everybody might be at a different space depending on what's going on with them. Listen to them, sit with them, and understand that they might be experiencing things that you don't understand and that you don't need to understand. This is a time when I really like to recommend and remind people of the option of saying to someone, would you like to be heard, helped or hugged?
- Don't ask them how they're doing!
Everyone knows about the elephant in the room, and you don't always need to acknowledge it. Instead, say something like, "Hey, it's really nice to see you."
I know when I was in my low points, it was really hard to be in public and have to face people who knew what was going on with me and I knew they knew what was going on with me.
So if they said, "Hi, how are you?" I might break down in tears. And that was not comfortable for me. It wasn't comfortable for them. So if you both know what's going on and things aren't great, consider some other conversation starter instead of how are you?
- Check in regularly.
Send a text. Even if they don't respond, let them know you're thinking about them and that they don't have to say anything back. But keep checking in because maybe one day they will want to respond back.
- Be specific in ways that you can help or support them.
They might not have any idea that they need help. They might think they don't need help and they might not know ways that you could help them. But maybe you look at your gifts, what would be something that you could do? Do you love to shop? Do you love to wrap gifts? Do you love to cook? Maybe you even love to help with finances and tax preparation. I know that's not me, but there are people out there who like that. Offer ways that you could provide a service to your friend right now.
- Invite them to things.
They might say no, but they might say yes. They might be flattered to still have the invitation. Also, understand that that invitation, even if they say yes, they might change their mind and say no at the last second. They might also go and get totally overwhelmed and have to escape. If they do say yes or they're hesitant, you also could help them by offering an escape plan.
Okay, what about If things aren't going well, come over to me and just say, "Hey, come up with whatever works for you and a friend, and you can offer to take them and leave and make it no big deal." But it might be a great opportunity for them to get out, experience a little bit of the holiday season, even if it's uncomfortable.
I hope they're helpful, please comment and share other ideas because they are not exclusive.
Aimee Kandrac is an innovator. Instigator. Advice giver. Leader. She excels at inspiring others to pitch in and help, and sees WhatFriendsDo as an incredible opportunity to take caring to a new level, but in a very personal, powerful and viral way. Aimee has been featured in print and online in Forbes.com, Fortune, Time, LA Times, Advancing Women, Oprah.com, Indianapolis Woman, Authority Magazine, Rent.com as well as many TV, radio and podcasts.
Aimee is the CEO & Founder of WhatFriendsDo, Host of the top rated podcast Kitchen Chats with Aimee Kandrac, author and adjunct professor at the Kelley School of Business.
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